i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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