just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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