The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
