I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
