The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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