how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
