life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
