I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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