WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
my being single is dangerous.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
