Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
