the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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