Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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