forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
wanna go halves on a baby?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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