Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
