Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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