I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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