whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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