Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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