Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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