So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
