I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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