I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
