First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
