Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
This is my gift to your gina
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
