Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
