halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
