the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
