Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
