A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
