I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
that is very illegal...i love you.
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