I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
