i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
