I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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