thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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