Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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