it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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