I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
