he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
