i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize