in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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