I'd wear matching sweaters with you
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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