im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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