I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
