i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize