He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
