Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
