Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
