i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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