I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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