i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
