I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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