How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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