If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
