Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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