He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
