I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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