Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
