Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
