I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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