The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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